Sometimes, I get in my own way

I know I'm going to sound like a big ole hypocrite when I say this, but I recently have decided to supplement Josie's diet with formula. Wait! Did you just extol the virtues of breastfeeding, like um, last month?

Yes. I did. And I stand by every word. Let's just say I got my reasons.

They are:

1. I'll be away from home for about a week in November and I don't have enough breast milk stored up. In fact, at the time I made the decision four weeks ago to start supplementing, there was no breast milk in the freezer at all, despite the sizable stockpile I had going this spring. I guess between Josie's growth spurts, the "low times" and a few night shifts when I missed some feedings, the cupboard went bare during the summer.

2. I want a divorce from my pump. (Dear pump, You and I had a good run. There were good times, like when I'd gallop into the kitchen with two four-ounce bottles held high and proclaim, "PERSONAL BEST!" But we both knew the relationship wasn't going to last when we started. I mean, we were using each other. Well, really. I was using you...but any way. Look, I know I couldn't have gotten this far without you, but I'm growing tired of the hassle. You are high maintenance. And after 10 months, you kinda suck. Maybe, one day a couple of years from now, we'll pick back up. Right now, though, I need a break.)

3. I want my boobs back! (Plus, breastfeeding during tailgating season= no thanks. Tried it. Didn't like it.)

Why are you confessing all this? Because I do feel guilty. And I do still fret over the decision. I was/am proud of my decision to breastfeed for so long.

Yet, I can't help but wonder if Josie will feel rejected even though I know she will be able to handle the formula from a digestive standpoint. I'm still nursing during the morning and at night — basically any time we are home together — and sending formula bottles with her to daycare.

OK. To the point. All this is to say: Sometimes, I get in my own way.

The week I bump up Josie's three daycare bottles to all formula, Similac recalls its powdered products, the brand and formula types pretty much everyone is using. She(and I) had just gotten used to the idea of formula and then BLAMO!

And here's where my (so not) genius comes in. Instead of buying the super expensive concentrate or the super duper expensive "ready to feed" formula that weren't included in the recall, I try and see if I can't save a buck. Oh yes!

So I buy the store brand. The organic store brand. (Hey! If I'm going to buy generic, at least it's the fancy, more expensive generic. And look! It's organic. So, it's not too bad, right? RIGHT?!)

I save $5.

Just as the little voice I tried to muffle in the back of my mind warned me, Josie hated it. I've never seen her reject something flat out before. She literally would spit it out and slap the bottle away. When I tried to feed her, "nope!" When her daddy tried to feed her, "Nope!" When the daycare teachers (who I swear can get her to eat anything) tried to feed her, " I SAID NOPE!"

I kept thinking — hoping really — that she'd get used it. "Give her time. She just has to get used to it. She's gonna get used to it." That became my mantra of denial.

On Monday afternoon, I was upset. It was day three of the hunger strike. Josie was eating her solids, nursing and drinking water...yet her liquid intake had dropped in half. Chris and I popped in to daycare to see how she was. The daycare teachers tried to look nonchalant but strongly suggested we pony up for the super duper expensive "ready to feed" formula. And we did. And now, all is well again.

I swallowed my pride. It was kinda nasty. Not what I'm used to. But I'm sure, in my new role as mommy, I'm gonna get used to it.